hanging on to hope

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

hanging on to hope

Postby Lunatica716 on Fri Apr 01, 2016 8:09 pm

I'm 6 months in to my husband's recovery. Ever since his addiction, PA, was discovered by me he has been going to a therapist. He has now started a SA group for about 2 months. Now he apparently needs more help, since he hasn't been able to stop MB'ing and looking at pictures of other women. I'm writing this for myself and for anyone who is new to this disease. I know there are a lot of women here that have been dealing with this for decades. Reading those posts makes me sad now. At first I welcomed knowing that other women are going through it too and I'm not alone. It did help to get the support and make myself understand that I did nothing to cause my husband's issues. But I know if my husband was not trying really hard right now, I would be getting a divorce. He knows that I will not live my life constantly being subjected to betrayal and lies. And he is very scared that he won't be able to do what he needs to do before I get tired of trying.

Right now, I want my family to survive. I have a 2 year old daughter and seeing her with her dad every night is definitely what I want. I can't say that I will feel that forever. But I know it right now. I am hoping so much that my husband can kick this habit and still be happy. We all have so much to lose. I'm sure the veteran women around here were in my situation too. I thank everyone for posting their feelings here to give other women support. I hope my thoughts are helping someone.

For any women feeling lost.... Only you can know what you can take. Trust yourself, listen to others and take advice how you need to. I believe that if I try my best to make my life happy and healthy then I will have no regrets, no matter where my path takes me.
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Re: hanging on to hope

Postby invisibleone on Tue Apr 19, 2016 2:21 pm

FWIW -- I gave my PA spouse way too much time to make changes. He also went to a therapist, and I went with him for about a year. It became apparent to me he was NOT going to give up P so I stopped going to the therapy sessions with him, and of course, a very short time later, he also stopped going. He attended support meetings for maybe a year, then decided he didn't "need" them or therapy. I spent my 55th birthday in the therapist's office alone with her -- this year I will turn 65. So much of my life spent without a person to love me, and I spend nearly every day resenting him for what he has done. He still doesn't get it. A few months ago, he said he feels like a "roommate" and not my spouse. When I told him he knows how to change that, he just said "I like sex." Sad doesn't begin to describe how I feel.

Your situation is even more difficult because you have a young daughter. Do you fear that his activities will escalate? That is a gnawing fear for me -- that I will get a phone call one day to find out he has been arrested for illegal activities in a P "store" or somewhere else. That would be the ultimate humiliation.

Prayers for you and all others going through this struggle.
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Re: hanging on to hope

Postby Lunatica716 on Fri May 06, 2016 6:17 pm

I come to the support board just about weekly to see if any new posts have been made to any of the comments. I guess it helps to know women are out there struggling with me. I feel happy most of the time right now. I'm taking care of myself, getting healthy. I've lost about 15 pounds since I found out about the PA. Working out is definitely a way to let anger out. I mostly get angry about finances. About not being able to spend or get what I want, because we are trying to figure out how to tackle the bill this addiction has brought us. It is very difficult for me to not blame him for that. $20,000. The number still leaves me breathless when I think about it. I pray everyday that I can forgive that. I pray for grace to not throw it in his face. I think I need to ask him if he can take it. If he can take the fact that I will probably never forgive him for putting our family in debt.
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Re: hanging on to hope

Postby tootrue on Mon May 09, 2016 11:32 pm

It's great that you're working out and staying strong! Keeping your life moving forward is the best thing you can do. This kind of addiction is so secret and hurtful to spouses that it can eat you up---time can fly by and some kind of lose themselves. It can even be bad for your own health because of the stress. Everything that you can do to stay focused on how you want your life to continue on, what you want for your daughter, and how you can make those things continue to evolve positively is so good.
Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.~Frances de Sales
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Re: hanging on to hope

Postby Lunatica716 on Sat Aug 27, 2016 5:37 pm

So its been quite a while since I've said anything on here. I've been by to read some things. I read my last post from May and am glad I'm not feeling so down lately. We've been going to therapy every 2 weeks. I think the communication has been pretty good. I still get worried when we aren't having a lot of time together or are very busy. I just wonder if he is feeling pressure that may cause him to relapse. So last therapy session I straight out asked him. We had established a day of April 9th that he was sober. I asked him if that was still THE day, despite how scared I was to hear no.... and he said yes.

At first I felt all the good emotions... relieved, happy, proud, hopeful. We finished our session and he discussed how he has been able to cope with his thoughts and not let it get to the point where he has to go look at P. It was great. But like always I over-think things. Later I wondered if he was lying. I hated the fact that I had to trust that he was telling the truth. I became worried that I still don't trust him. I think if he found out how hard it is for me to trust him, he would get deflated, and maybe even go back to his old ways because he will feel like he can't win.

But I am living the best I think a wife of a recovering P-addict can live right now. I want to believe he is telling the truth. I can't really find holes in any of his stories that make me really believe otherwise. I think we are happy and doing the best we can with our daughter, our extended family, our work... he could definitely use a kick in the butt for fitness. I'm still hitting the gym but he is really lagging on that right now. It will never be perfect but I hope over time I can trust him more. I guess that trust will come with his continued actions that are not hurting me and the family.

I hope reading this came help someone out there feel a little better. Right now its an up-swing for me and I think if you work hard it can work. Let's just hope I'm still saying that in another few months. It almost funny that I can't say it will work forever. Life became such a teeter-totter when my husband and I began this recovery. Good luck to all.
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Re: hanging on to hope

Postby Vesper on Wed Sep 21, 2016 6:57 am

Hi Lunatica,
It's good to see you posting again. From my experience, I knew something was wrong before d-day. I would ask my ex h if he was living a double life and he would accuse me of having a suspicious mind. Our MC asked me what I felt, besides anger on d-day. The answer was relief as I finally knew what it was that was wrong. I also learned I could trust myself and that I wasn't going mad. I see you asked your h if April 9th was the last time he used and he agreed but you seem to be wondering if that's true. Is your gut telling you something isn't right?
I hope he is telling the truth. It sounds positive that he is finding a better way of dealing with his feelings.
Vesper
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Re: hanging on to hope

Postby tootrue on Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:39 am

Thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.
Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.~Frances de Sales
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Re: hanging on to hope

Postby Lunatica716 on Fri Mar 03, 2017 4:19 pm

I really appreciate the check-in "tootrue". Thank you so much. Right now I'm doing pretty good. Life seems to be getting back to normal. We still have the little issues that come up, but they aren't centered around the addiction anymore. It still comes up every now and again though. But I'm okay right now, its been quite a while since I've felt the need to come to the support board. Today I come as a viewer and possibly a sign of hope for anyone going through a bad time. It can get better.
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