Basic Information for New SO's

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

Re: Basic Information for New SO's

Postby RoseBHurt on Tue Aug 02, 2011 7:44 pm

"This is not about you, not even a little bit. You could be a supermodel, available 24/7 for sx and he would still use prn.... This is not about your attractiveness, your love, your abilities, etc.. This is about HIM and HIS inability to be truly intimate, his 'need' for a fix, his 'need' to run from his problems rather than deal with them.
HIs addiction and recovery are his to deal with- you can't do it for him.
Set up boundaries for your own spiritual, emotional and physical safety with consequences that you WILL follow through with, or they won't work.
If he is willing to work recovery and sobriety, there is lots of Hope. If he is still in denial that prn is a problem, you have a long, uphill struggle ahead. Either way, recovery takes a lot of work for you both. Whether or not he decides to recover, the best thing you can do is heal from the pain that this addiciton has dropped into your heart."

If this is not about me then why do i feel like such a loser as a wife, friend and lover??? I have given my H all my best in my life for the past 11 yrs and have put up with his PA for the whole 11 yrs of our marriage with all the promises he makes of quitting, being so sorry for hurting me, etc, yet it still happens. He thinks i am to stupid to see that he does this and that i won't find out, but i do every single time, and confront him every single time and when i try to talk to him about it i always get the "i'm afraid to talk to you because you will get angry" line when he knows very well that i am a very easy person to talk to.
It is so hard to be the happy, lovable, bubbly and energetic person that i am known for when all i feel is so much pain and hurt and no one to talk to about all this.
I am so ready to just walk away from all of this but don't want another mark on my lifeboard for having another PA relationship in my life. (first H was a PA too but also very abusive mentally and physically)
I just want a happy, stable marriage without feeling like i have to compete with P all the time, is that to much to ask for???

"Dreams are where i go to hear the world as it should be"
New Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 9:25 pm

Re: Basic Information for New SO's

Postby phoebe on Wed Aug 03, 2011 11:11 am

Hi Rose,
Unfortunatly a lot of SO's have or have had the thoughts and feelings, you have, dont feel alone in that respect.If you post on the partners forum, you will get a lot of help and support, sometimes not immediatly, but it is there to help you through this.
Tribal Elder
Posts: 689
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:47 pm

Re: Basic Information for New SO's

Postby Lily on Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:28 am

The forum rules are shown in a pink box above each forum. All members must abide by the rules when posting or replying to posts.

We do NOT discuss CHILD PORNOGRAPHY of any sort, child also includes teens (pseudo or otherwise).
The rules state CHILD PORNOGRAPHY is the visual record of child sexual abuse. It is illegal worldwide. If you (or someone you know) is involved with child pornography, your needs exceed the scope of this board. Please seek professional help immediately. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse, including users of child pornography, will be reported immediately to law enforcement at

Also please make sure that any links you post do not lead to sites which show sexually explicit language or images. This is to prevent triggering for both SO's and PA's.

The rules state SEXUALLY EXPLICIT language or images are not permitted. While this site discusses pornography, including its impact on healthy sexuality, excessive detail or graphic content is not permitted and will be removed by board moderators. Sometimes what may seem excessive to one is not to another. If there is a question in the author's mind regarding the appropriateness of the post, the 'trigger' button should be used to mask the specific content and warn readers of potential 'triggering' material.

LIly (moderator)
Full Member
Posts: 171
Joined: Mon Aug 24, 2009 4:46 am

Re: Basic Information for New SO's

Postby nova on Thu Apr 02, 2015 7:07 am

Hi guys.

I read this forum when everything first came to light; it brought me so much solace. Hell, it even made me laugh when I felt absolutely horrible about everything. That was the one and only time I visited, though, probably because I wanted to deny what was happening.
I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, so here goes, I guess.
I had an ex who was a pa. It escalated to extremely deviant stuff, as addiction is wont to do. He made me have sex with him four times a day, every day, he would become verbally and sometimes physically abusive if I didn't, and would blackmail me by saying things like "if you don't do this, I'm going to watch p". But this isn't even about him. That relationship was a long time ago.

The things I was exposed to from him made me question the p industry. I started researching every aspect of it, the way it works, the lives of the women involved, everything. I became actively anti-porn - I hated the shadow the industry had cast on my own sex life, and I hated the inhumanity and barbarity of it. I made art and wrote essays about my findings and experiences.

Fast forward several years and several failed relationships. I hadn't found anyone able to respect my views: p is so casual, almost second nature to some people, that my feelings didn't matter. I made an online dating profile to widen the net a little bit, and I decided to lay my views out there in the open - "please don't contact me if you use porn", along with a little (almost apologetic) exposition to that.

I met a man and quickly fell in love with him. He told me he didn't use porn, and that he sympathised with my views (queue pseudo-heartfelt "degradation" monologue). This is my next porn addict. He had listened to my views, he had been genuinely shocked and moved by the facts about porn actresses I had shared with him. He had seen me cry and consoled me over the issue, heard my most heartfelt thoughts about my life and the shadow of p.
As is typical here, I found crap in my shoes several times... He looked into my eyes and lied to me, even mocking me sometimes for doubting him. It all came to light one day, after so, so many, such detailed and committed lies. I left him. I moved out, heartbroken.

But then, I found out I was pregnant. We got back together. We had what I thought was an in-depth chat. He resolved to get help (and, indeed, flirted with the idea). We got accountability software, set up locks on the Internet and tv. He swore to me that this was his great awakening - the life inside of me was spurring him on, to be a man and do what's right.

I found what looked a lot like crap in my shoe.
He swore on the life of our unborn child that this wasn't so... Can you imagine that? He made a complex story and even tried to convince me not to believe my own eyes.
Literally the first chance he got, he reset the Internet locks, went on the one device that is not monitored by the accountability software, and watched p. The web of lies he built around it made my head spin. I don't even want to go into that.

We spoke again about everything. It came out that he has a deviant fetish, and he blamed that for the continued lying.
I'm such a strong woman in the rest of my life, but now I feel so helpless. Even hopeless. I've said I will stick by him and help with this journey, and I've even said I'm willing to engage in his fantasies, just so he doesn't f me over again. I feel a bit like I'm trading sex for a little respect from him, which is probably a paradox.

I have given up my home, my job, and all of my money for him, and now I'm pregnant. I know he wants this baby, and so do I. I feel so vulnerable. I know he loves me, but I feel like such a sap saying that - this sounds awful, but it's a cliché that an abused woman will stay with her abuser out of "love", and everyone outside of that situation can see what a poor choice that is.

He insists that because, now, everything is ACTUALLY out in the open, he will get the help and do what's right for the both of us. But last time, before I knew about his fetishises, he had said that my leaving was enough to prompt a change.

This is all so muddled. If anyone's still reading, then thank you. Really, it just feels good to write it all down. Sorry for offloading.

Nova. X
New Member
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2015 7:34 am

Re: Basic Information for New SO's

Postby Vesper on Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:43 pm

Hi Nova,
I am sorry to read of your difficulties but I think it might be best to start a new thread for this question. If you click on 'New Topic' and then go from there.
Smiles are infectious so go and spread them...
User avatar
Your humble servant.
Posts: 11929
Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2009 4:47 pm


Return to Partners Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest