Letting go of pain...

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby honeysuckle on Wed Nov 11, 2015 5:19 am

Lunatica716 wrote:
How long do we have to focus on his problems? How long until my feelings are equal? I feel like he is just trying to forget everything, because if he thinks about it all the time he feels crappy and worthless. But I'm not sure how to just move forward with out the fear of relapse looming. Putting these feelings out there seems to help.


I would say that you need to focus on yourself as much as him. Your feelings are of equal worth so don't think otherwise. He also needs to take his share of the load.

I understand about your thoughts about him not thinking about it, but have you asked him why? As for trying to move forward - this is every early days. I think if you posted on the general board you'd find that it is years before people begin to be in a strong position. As for the fear of a relapse, it does ease but then if they do relapse you are back to square one and all the fears come flooding back.

Think about yourself.


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Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby Lunatica716 on Tue Jan 26, 2016 6:39 pm

So this week I've been having some bad dreams. Not sure why they are happening now. I've dreamt of finding p in the house, catching him in some way or another. He hasn't really done anything to make me have these feelings. Now I'm wondering if its happening because I don't have anything else to really focus on. SInce my last post I had holidays and my daughter's birthday to concentrate on. All that probably kept my mind busy. I'm trying to focus on myself, dieting and exercising.

I also think I get worried when we aren't having a lot of s. There have been colds going around. I pass out on the couch most nights after a workday. I get up early to go exercise and work a 10 hour day. I just wish he would try a little harder. Its like he is waiting for me to hold a sign saying "Tonight is good, take off your clothes". This life looks so hard ahead... constantly wondering. All the excuses for why he may relapse loom through my mind. It stinks to think I have to feel this way forever.

I'm just feeling down, sorry if I'm bringing anyone down too. I have to at least say that I have nothing extremely negative to put down on paper. As far as I know, the h is doing what he promised. I think we are both just getting tired of trying so hard. Which is scary, because I don't know if it will ever just start being natural and not feel like trying.
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Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby Lunatica716 on Fri Feb 05, 2016 6:15 pm

So it happened... relapse #1. I asked him if he has been p free. He said no. He only went 2 months. We talked about it, he said he was stressed about the holidays and our daughter's birthday and money. So that's how he chose to deal with it. Oh, and he got into another car accident. He is just screwing up. He is scared, I can tell. I think he wants to try but I don't know if he can do it.

He went to a SA meeting. I think that's what it was. It was at a church and he came home and said he felt really good about it and thinks it will help him. I just nodded. I know he wants to see a reaction. He wants to see that I believe him. I can't give him that. I do love him still, still want to be married, want our family to be together and heal. But I won't let my guard again.

The addict has to do the work. The significant other has to stay happy somehow. If the addict won't do the work, then the SO makes their choice.
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Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby BothOnlyHuman on Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:35 pm

Hello Lunatica716.

I'm sorry you've been dragged into this dark world of PA. Maybe dragged in sounds a bit dramatic but at least not given the opportunity to make decisions based on the truth until major damage was done. And now the relapse... good he was honest when you asked. Only things better would have been not relapsing at all or offering the truth without you having to ask.

The addict has to do the work. The significant other has to stay happy somehow. If the addict won't do the work, then the SO makes their choice.


My 'partner' has drug out the 'work' over the past 14 years (well, the first half of that wasn't a lot of effort on his part at all). I have bombed at staying happy waiting for him to pick up the pace, to stop hurting me with his lies and acting out. It's like he's kept me hanging on by giving me just the tiniest morsel he had to give... a form of torture if you ask me. I have also failed to make the decision I need to make for myself... I've failed to get free of this sickness.

My 'partner' doesn't know how to communicate about feelings at all. It is so foreign to him I often wonder if he actually has real feelings. This is the thing I am focused on most now. If this never comes, even if he truly isn't looking at porn/mb'ing, he is still living in dysfunction and we aren't okay. Maybe it's not that way for everyone but for me, I'm alone with him if he doesn't share who he is and how he feels.

There was a time where I had nightmares every night about him hurting me with his acting out and lies. It eased off when I started losing all of my energy :oops: I still have the occasional bad dream about it but the dreams where I feel absolute love, peace and safety from someone (never him) make up for it.

I won't go on too much more for fear of being too depressing. Let's just say I hope your experience in this goes much better than mine has.
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Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby Vesper on Wed Feb 17, 2016 7:24 am

Hi BOH,
If this never comes, even if he truly isn't looking at porn/mb'ing, he is still living in dysfunction and we aren't okay. Maybe it's not that way for everyone but for me, I'm alone with him if he doesn't share who he is and how he feels.

I think with my ex h that his addiction was a symptom of much deeper seated issues. I feel for you as it's a lonely place to be in such a marriage.
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Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby BothOnlyHuman on Wed Feb 17, 2016 3:18 pm

Hi Vesper,

I often feel that is likely the case here too but I just can't pinpoint it (nor should I have to, I'm not a psychiatrist!) It seems like no one will ever get to the bottom of it and I have to wonder if that's because he doesn't want them to.

BOH
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Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby sledgehammer on Sat Jun 18, 2016 5:34 pm

Hi BOH/Vesper,

Vesper wrote:Hi BOH,
If this never comes, even if he truly isn't looking at porn/mb'ing, he is still living in dysfunction and we aren't okay. Maybe it's not that way for everyone but for me, I'm alone with him if he doesn't share who he is and how he feels.

I think with my ex h that his addiction was a symptom of much deeper seated issues. I feel for you as it's a lonely place to be in such a marriage.
Vesper


I think you both hit the nail on the head with what you said.

BOH, this is exactly how it has been with my H. We have been living in dysfunction, I thought he was easygoing until I realised that he's not that at all - he avoids confrontation and will do anything to avoid discussing how I feel or being truly open about how/what he feels. Our relationship will only ever be surface deep as he can't handle emotional openness. I feel exactly as you do BOH, I have felt sooo alone in my marriage. How CAN you be close to someone who keeps you emotionally distant? I didn't marry who I thought I had married. I married someone who I think can never allow himself to express who he really is with me, he doesn't want to. I crave emotional freedom and I have closed off this side of me for years. Now I'm choosing to walk away from our marriage so I can be true to myself again and hopefully find someone to love who wants to hear me scream it from the rooftops - and shout it back to me!

Vesper, I agree that for my H the addiction is a symptom of deeper issues, issues that are still there despite counselling. Issues he wasn't willing to disclose to me and when I asked, he said he felt scrutinised. What more can I do?

None of us asked to be dragged into relationships with P. I think we all deserve better. My favourite quote for just now is "There is a big difference between giving up and knowing when enough is enough."

Sledge x
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Re: Letting go of pain...

Postby Vesper on Mon Jun 20, 2016 7:29 am

Hi Sledge,
Vesper, I agree that for my H the addiction is a symptom of deeper issues, issues that are still there despite counselling. Issues he wasn't willing to disclose to me and when I asked, he said he felt scrutinised. What more can I do?

He sounds like he is being very defensive here. My ex h was like that too. Trying to discuss difficulties would bring about meltdowns with him and he would say I was accusing him or blaming him or I was too angry. So, I stopped trying to connect and he would still create rows that I simply walked away from. He became violent though so I had to get out. He did me a favour. I have dated a couple of guys since, have had some ups and downs, am lonely at times but it hasn't been that devastating loneliness I experienced living in a relationship with someone who was too closed off from his emotions to be in a position to be real with a partner.
None of us asked to be dragged into relationships with P. I think we all deserve better.

Yes, we do. We need to love ourselves more.
My favourite quote for just now is "There is a big difference between giving up and knowing when enough is enough."

This is very true. It doesn't sound like your h is giving you any reason to stay. The other women here who stayed have men who taken action. You mentioned how you thought he was easy going but then realised about the anger. We went to Relate (the UK's relationship service) and I spoke with our counsellor alone several times. He reckoned ex h had Borderline Personality Disorder characterised by narcissism (usually displayed by pathological selfishness), passive aggression and pathological lying. Ring any bells? Sex addiction is also typical amongst people with BPD.
Take good care of you!
Vesper x
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