When does it stop hurting so bad?

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Lunatica716 on Mon Oct 05, 2015 3:10 pm

So sorry you are here. I'm 25 days into my journey with my H. And I feel like life is just passing right now. Not a lot has gone right in the 25 days. I made a decision to help him, to work on the marriage. I don't know how long it will last, but I guess when enough is enough I will know. Only you know what you can handle and what you want to deal with. Trust in yourself. Its hard to be the only one trying, if that is your case, tell him what you need. If he can't give you that or start trying to give you that, then you make a decision on what to do. Good luck.
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Casse`luna on Wed Oct 07, 2015 7:58 pm

Thankyou everyone for the replies..you are all right! i am so sorry that you are going through this pain too, nothing compares!
i haven't posted in a few days. I feel like i have just had so many thoughts running through my mind i wasn't sure how to put them in words..im still not.
so since my H relapsed 2 weeks ago exactly today, i have been feeling like i am numb! like i have had so many different emotions and heartbreaks and hopeful then doomed type of feelings that i find myself feeling more and more angry towards my H. IT HAS BEEN GOING ON 7 MONTHS!
shouldn't i be seeing some improvements in our closeness, intimacy etc.? I feel like every time i think we are making a break through, something makes me feel so fearful to trust him. So far he hasn't told me very many things when it comes to disclosure, this bothers me ALOT! i know that somethings are just to hard for him to say, but he doesn't have to go into detail. I could live with just a straight up yes or no answer to somethings. He has admitted to some things this month esp. that have mad me feel like maybe he does want to Stop this. He told me that he has been noticing other women more and more checking them out etc.He even admitted to checking out one of his coworkers that works near him, when she walks in and out of the door directly across from his desk he looks up and checks her body out. I was so so upset about this, how can i trust that he's not doing this daily? that he will stop? imagining them naked, when we go shopping or out in public pretty much anywhere.We read all about MC and how , guys like to use P. substitutes and justify it by saying "well at least its not P." So he says he is really trying to not do that kind of stuff anymore, but i just cant seem to stop worrying that he might and then fantasize and then lie. He has lied so much about so many things that i cant believe a word he says. i think that he minimizes a lot of what he does. His job gas really been bothering me a lot lately too..he even admitted to me that WTOC (weather cannel/news) had triggers for him, he noticed that all of his searches seemed to have keywords that triggered him and he would watch the video..out of boredom bc he no longer has social media sites or internet capability on his phone. He has admitted to going to youtube at work several times and seeing triggers and sometimes watching stuff that isn't appropriate. I am just constantly worried that he is hiding / deleting things in his computer at work, maybe I'm going crazy? bc i even consider the possibility that he could be making up things for accountability with me as well, He always somehow links whatever his claimed "trigger, thought, urge etc." to me. he will say something like.."i saw a really attractive older woman today and i looked, she looked like, i imagine you might when u are that age". and a few other things, like looking at my pictures on his desk, and remembering things we did.. I don't know i just get these thoughts and i cant shake them. It is never what i hear all of the other PA's admit to..he claims he doesn't go through many difficult times when he is at work, barley any thoughts (un related to me), no triggers, he says no computer or internet issues, no "hunting", no nothing really..only when i really push does he tell me something..and its very vague. i feel like he makes up things for accountability bc he knows how important it is to have that for me. i don't know what to think anymore..am i getting too carried away and letting the pain i feel put negative thoughts and intuitions in my mind? i feel like i would feel differently if we had seen some sort of improvement since this all started. he says that when he relapsed 2 weeks ago ( also claims it was to a picture of me) that it made everything go back to square 1. basically. He never really wants any intimacy,I have also brought up that maybe we should try abstinence for awhile, ( he thought he was flatlining for awhile) but he says no that it isn't necessary. He doesn't ever initiate any type of anything really, and when i do he doesn't respond in the way i feel a person should when they are attracted to someone. It has been 6 months and i just don't know what it should look like. how should he be doing at this point in his recovery? so many questions so many thoughts son much to figure out ...where to begin?
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby cantheystop on Thu Oct 08, 2015 9:48 am

I guess my biggest question is what is he doing to help himself?

Is he seeing a counsellor at all? If not is he willing to?

At this point from your posts it sounds like you are doing all of the work here. He has to want to fix it. He may be feeling shame and all that tends to go with it. He'll have to get past that if he wants to solve any of this.

This is on him to fix. You can help and be there for him as much as you like but he needs to do the work. If my H weren't willing to fix this then I couldn't see us getting very far.

Please know that this isn't because of anything you did or didn't do. It's not about how you look or any of those things. I understand how it can shake your self-confidence. I certainly have been there and still go there from time to time. What else can I tell you? Addicts are selfish. He doesn't see anything other than his own self and misery. Emotionally they are stunted in some way. This all happened way before you came into the picture.

Would you consider seeing someone on your own? Perhaps talking some of this out with someone might be helpful to you. I haven't done it yet but it's out there as an option.

Please take some time for you. Time to get back to who you were before all of this garbage got dumped on you. I know that's hard but it is necessary to take some of you back. Getting sucked down the rabbit hole with him will drive you crazy.
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