When does it stop hurting so bad?

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Casse`luna on Wed Sep 30, 2015 3:00 pm

This is my very first post and I'm not sure where to even begin, so i guess ill start at the beginning.. my h. and i got married about a year and a half ago
we have always know we loved each other, and wanted to be together (we dated in hs), but i moved away our second summer of school. i always thought of him as my perfect match ..my soul mate even! that is why when i began to have the first feelings of unease early in the marriage..i was EXTREMELY concerned. it all started with some lies on his part about small things.. meeting his ex gf after work one day to give her back some things that she had left behind long ago, getting said things and not telling me about it at all even though he knew he was to meet her later. lying about being nosey basically trying to get "updates" on his ex.., lying about money.. reckless spending irresponsibility etc., deleting text messages, ll of these things and a few more all contributed to the overall feelings of unease i began to get.While i always made sure that i confronted my h. about things that concerned me, i somehow managed to convince myself that i was overreacting because i have trust issues with men in general, that stem from a long history of being lied to and manipulated by every single man i have ever come in contact with including my father. So for awhile this is how things went, i would feel uneasy and upset about "something" and my h. would explain it away and i would want to believe it so badly ,that i would accept it even tho every thing within me was screaming at me not to!
Finally, one day I had enough not only was the constant nagging feeling in my heart and mind pulling at me with such intensity, begging my instincts to take over and FIND what is it? what is wrong ? My h. an i were becoming more and more distant. the tension between us was palpable.I started noticing that he didn't notice me. i would be getting undressed or in the shower or i would wear something "sexy" and he wouldn't even bat an eye! this really bothered me as , i am a very attractive 24 yr. old woman , i am fit and have all of the "assets" that men are known to look for when it comes to finding a woman physically attractive. so i asked myself why..? why isn't he interested in the least bit? thats when i tried turning up the "heat" if u will..trying to catch his eye, being extra sweet etc. . i began to notice more and more things that had me worried very badly, we never flirted , he never wanted to take me out on a date, he never did those small things that every person needs to feel affirmed in their love life. something as simple as a sweet txt..that is when i realized we have a real issue here! I began noticing more and more the way he would look at other women, he tried to hide it , but i was on high alert at this time and i noticed overtime , sometimes i would get upset other times i said nothing. as the weeks went by ..we only grew more distant, pretty soon we diddnt even share physical contact AT ALL! he sat on his end of the couch and i sat on mine.. he would be on FACEBOOK CONSTANTLY! watching videos and looking at pictures posts etc...i even noticed that he seemed very fond of the videos and pictures with attractive girls in them. it seemed that those sort of things caught his attention a lot.. i began to get very sad and lonely, i cried overnight because u had no clue what was wrong...had he fallen out of love with me? did he meet someone else? did he want tom meet someone else? Our Sex life was pretty much nonexsistent, except for the weekends we would have the causal momentary time when we would do it. I noticed that it was never very long EVER! he could not last and i never could even reach o. he would do his "business" then roll over and go straight to sleep, there was no intimacy no passion no foreplay. he always wanted to get right to the action, no time to warm up no kissing no touching, just straight to the point..then 2-5 minutes of racing to the finish! this started to make me angry and frustrated , i did not understand why 1. he never wanted me. and 2. when he did it never lasted long, and it seemed like he was in a far away place.. there was no bonding, no nothing! I decided that i had had enough, i was sick of feeling sad and lonely and rejected! i wanted answers, when i initially approached him about the issue he denied having any problems, he seemed shocked that i was feeling the way i was. He tried to explain it all away by complaining that he was tired and hadn't been feeling good lately etc. I almost believed him for awhile, as more time went by and he still continued to be emotionally and physically distant from me.. i grew even more upset and suspicious and hurt. he continued to use excuses saying his back hurt. he had a headache, stomach ache, he was tired, he even realized that the excuses began to rack up and something had to be done to get me off his case, that is when he began
saying that he though he had a medical issue. i stood by him and supported him even though i suspected it wasn't a health issue but something else. We agreed to set a doctors appointment and find out what was causing him to be so "tired", and low libido and overall energy. About 2 weeks later we went to the doctor together my h. told the doctor everything that he had been experiencing and his concerns that he might have low testosterone (my h. is 25), i knew this was highly unlikely and the doctor said so too. Even so, the doctor agreed to run some tests and take some blood samples, he even scheduled my h. for a sleep apnea test. after the sleep apnea test results came back, there was no denying it...it was not a medical issue . other than the fact that he could stand to lose a couple pounds, there was nothing that the doctor could find medically wrong with him to be causing such a low libido, i mean we were practically newly weds, we should be very sexually active! the doc suggested some vitamins and change in diet alongside some exsercise. My h wasn't thrilled but i was very serious about fixing our marriage, so i did everything i could to let my h. know that i was there to help, we threw out all th junk food and started eating healthy and exsercising. All to no avail, i was still experiencing a lot of sadness and feelings of emotional distance from my h. he still never came to me and initiated intimacy, i could initiate all i wanted , but even when i did it wasn't lasting long at all. I had had enough! i started feeling stronger on my suspicion. i started checking our phone records and started going through his phone daily, i would find small things that would tip me off, but never anything substantial enough to confront him about.
Casse`luna
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Vesper on Wed Sep 30, 2015 4:09 pm

Hi Casse'luna (sorry I don't know how to use the accent you use on my computer),

I am sorry you find yourself here.

that is why when i began to have the first feelings of unease early in the marriage..i was EXTREMELY concerned. it all started with some lies on his part about small things.. meeting his ex gf after work one day to give her back some things that she had left behind long ago, getting said things and not telling me about it at all even though he knew he was to meet her later. lying about being nosey basically trying to get "updates" on his ex.., lying about money.. reckless spending irresponsibility etc., deleting text messages, ll of these things and a few more all contributed to the overall feelings of unease i began to get.While i always made sure that i confronted my h. about things that concerned me, i somehow managed to convince myself that i was overreacting because i have trust issues with men in general, that stem from a long history of being lied to and manipulated by every single man i have ever come in contact with including my father.


This is where you need to look out for you. Your gut/intuition is screaming at you that something is wrong and I would run with that.

You have checked everything out medically, but I can assure you that a man not lasting long or having erectile dysfunction is often a symptom of using porn.

i would find small things that would tip me off, but never anything substantial enough to confront him about.


The signs and symptoms are there so to speak. He's on Facebook looking at videos, he isn't desiring you physically but more importantly he isn't relating to you.

I don't doubt you when you say you are a beautiful and attractive woman. It isn't about us, our looks, our bodies ... it's about these guys being afraid of closeness and porn or easy sex is a way of distancing themselves from their emotions when they are in a relationship.

Keep posting!

Be kind to yourself too!!!!

Vesper
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Casse`luna on Thu Oct 01, 2015 3:48 pm

thanks vesper for the kind words :)
Last edited by Casse`luna on Thu Oct 01, 2015 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Casse`luna on Thu Oct 01, 2015 3:50 pm

Thankyou Vesper, for your kind words and encouragement! the name is french, it means Broken Moon..my husband always called me "moon of my life"
and well i guess this name is a way of showing how i feel now..

I meant to finish my story on my previous post but i couldn't figure out how to save it as a draft and come back to it later Lol..i am new to this..
I suppose ill continue with the rest now, so here goes...

so once i started getting stronger feelings of suspicion and unease about the whole situation in my marriage i began really watching for clues, i noticed he would take his phone with him to the bathroom just about every time he went! i also noticed that he stayed in the bathroom far longer than any normal person ever should..he would claim that he "had a hard time going" or that he didn't feel well etc..and this tipped me off too. when i asked him why he always took his phone he explained that he was playing games and stuff like "hillclimb" etc. after awhile of this reasoning, i knew it had to be something more than a gaming app keeping him in the bathroom for so long and always taking his phone. I started to keep a watch on his phones browsing history, app download and data usage, One day i knew he had been doing something in the bathroom so i tested him, i tried to initiate intimacy with him i put on some really pretty lingerie and even did my hair and makeup, i put on my cutest and most seductive smile and i approached him eagerly hoping that he would respond to me in the way that i had been needing for so long!..i wanted to feel like i was attractive like i was loved , needed, wanted..it is more than "just sex" to me..it is a bonding experience meant to be shared between two people that love each other. Anyways, i walked into our living room where he was now sprawled out on the couch looking extremely relaxed and almost sleepy-like, i guess he heard my shoes clicking because eventually after i stood there for a minute and then ahem..cleared my throat..he finally looked up. "Why are u wearing that"? was the first thing he said ..he looked at me with a look of complete boredom and even distaste! The way he responded shocked me and threw me off so badly i felt like some one had literally slapped me in the face! i know,i know,( one of my weaknesses is being so tender hearted),but i just couldn't help it one this instance, never in my life had a man ever reacted to me in this way! not to be conceited or anything..but i have never been with any one that did not immediately become aroused or at least very interested in me when i put myself out there like that and really go the extra effort to impress. I was so at loss with what to say or do i just kind of stared at him with this pained look on my face..like whats wrong with you? I guess he started to feel kinda bad then because then he changed his attitude a bit and said something along the lines of " I'm sorry I'm just tired ,don't feel good etc." . I knew then that this was seriously a problem..i have been tired and ill plenty of times and still could have been just fine with engaging in some intimacy with my h. i have read where sex actually is good for u the healthy kind!
and where it can cure headaches and pains etc. i believe this was one of the nights where we really got into it with a n argument about the whole situation.Eventually we went to bed and that was all there was to it, The next morning while he was in the shower i went through my now daily routine of checking his phone before he got out, when i first saw the P. site there in his history i felt so upset like anger! how could he be telling me all this time that he "doesn't feel u to it" or is tired etc. but he has plenty of time to..divert to "other women!" it literally feels like he cheated on me! i wanted to know what video he watched on the site..what he chose it and what that girl had that i didn't! i was so upset i couldn't even think straight! i confronted him angrily! i yelled at him why! how could you? he told me that he never watched porn and that he had on occasion but it wasn't a big deal to him..when i asked him why he had it on his history, he claimed that a guy he worked with told him to look up a funny video. i knew that was a lie..he had been on the site the night before in the bathroom..while i was getting dolled up for him! we got into a huge fight and left that morning for work mad. I cried all day i was so hurt and upset, it felt like a physical pain i was beside myself! That night when he came home he apologized profusely and said that i didn't have to worry about it ever again that he wasn't into porn and he was sorry for ever looking it up for so-and -so..i guess the reason i accepted his apology and i calmed down was because , well i wanted to so bad..i didn't want to believe that my husband could ever possibly choose a fake image on a screen over me, his pretty living breathing warm and willing wife! As the days went by, i realized that i just could not let this go something was telling me that there was more to item the excuses and lies didn't add up nothing felt right..Then i decided to really do some deep research..i went into his phone again and looked at his youtube history and found his gmail account PW and then logged into his gmail. What i found there was Very disturbing to say the least! SO MUCH PORN!!!
page after page after page..i went all the way back a whole year to right before we go married and almost every single day he had searched for "PH" his favorite site! amongst a few others! some days it was even searched for 2-3 times..but definitely almost every single day with sometimes one day at most in between the searches for the p. sites! I was LIVID let me tell u a rage like none i had ever know before overcame me! i was ready to leave him! i cried and cried and cried some more..until i was almost sick with the pain, i spent the whole day researching what to do if u catch you h. watching lots of P...and things along those lines..That is when i figured out the horrible ugly truth of it all..Every thing made since now! the emotional distance i always felt, him always being tired, bad attitude, making excuses, low libido. NOT LASTING MORE THAN 5 MINUTES!, ( another of our endless argument issues), never initiating sex, no foreplay, never looking at me or noticing me, social awkwardness, weight gain, sever several other things! when he got home that night i confronted him again and at first he tried denying it again, but i did not stand for that! hell no not this time! i made him confess to everything..(to my knowledge), and then i showed him all of the research that i had done..i think that was when he finally realized it to himself, that he had a real problem.
everything was right there all the facts all the proof there was no more denying it! I wanted to leave him the pain of the awful truth, the fact that throughout our entire marriage he had been wasting all of his time and lusts and attention on other "fake" women on a screen AT WORK! IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM! i just couldn't not believe it, and my God does it hurt! He apologized and cried and felt really awful and even broke down sobbing and crying for a while to the point that i started feeling bad for him..we talked about it and how long he had been doing it...(his entire teenage and adult life), why he did it..basically we picked it apart from any angle we could to figure it out and learn everything we could about it..i spent the next 2 months relentlessly researching how to beat the PA and learning what the body goes thru and all of the scientific aspects of it. i tried sharing all of the things that i learned with him..and he would listen but, i feel it fell on deaf ears..fast forward to now 6 months since i discovered this horrible truth. and i am at my breaking point i feel! we have been through so much these past 6 months i don't even know which way is up and which way is down anymore, I'm tired so very tired and i hurt everywhere..real hurt physical pain even!i feel like there is a gigantic hole in my heart, so alone and angry..noone to turn to or talk to.
i have sat down with him and told him about coping skills and warning signs and triggers and what it does to your body..talked to him about coming up with a recovery plan and just mountains of info that i had learned to help him!..he heard me but i don't know if he truly listened to my hearts cry for help!
i cant make him change he has to want it! several times throughout the 6 months that we have known about this addiction he has relapsed.. in one instance
i was planning our wedding, which we put off for financial reasons, we were headed to the bank to get his check cashed and i don't remember why but i was using his phone to take a picture or something, when i clicked the camera icon the preview of the last pic taken was still up at the bottom ( ty iPhone), it was a picture of two girls dancing provocatively in bikinis..i felt sick..i started shaking i was furious !!! i couldn't believe it! i yelled at him and demanded the truth ..he told me that he was gonna tell me about it, that he had a weak moment and he was sorry..but he assured me that he didn't go through with it, that he had been paged over the intercom at work and it had broken his chain of thought, and thats why he didn't go to the bathroom to MO!..I never believed that..i looked at the time that was shown on the picture he had taken off youtube, and compared it to the time that he had snapped
the picture on his phone ..then i looked for the video on youtube..it was actually several pages of awful videos until i got to the one that he watched and took the pics of. so basically he sat there for over 20 mins and browsed for MO material! he knew he couldn't get it on his phone bc i had set up restrictions, and he couldn't look at it on his computer at work bc at the time he still had a desk that wasn't in a private office. so that is why he went and used a computer in the break room at work. i was so devastated! i was planning a wedding..we thought thats what we needed to refresh our love and vows, and renew our marriage! and here he was looking at this filth!!! i wanted to leave him again and somehow we worked through it again! this time he seemed to be more serious and committed to fixing the PA. about a month went by and i started to see a few positive changes, but then he got promoted and moved into a more private office and computer with lots more time and privacy! thats when thing really got worse! He developed ED and couldn't get it going AT ALL! i felt worse than ever...i was constantly worried about what he was doing on the internet if he was erasing the history or browsing in private..and how would i know?? i still am this is where we are now at relapse # 3..as far as he tells me, 6 months into it.. no accountability software, no coping skill in place for his depression, boredom stress, and nothing to actually do with the loads of free time he now has. the main thing for me is how will i ever know what he is truly doing? how will i know if we are making progress?? what is he actually doing at work? he has admitted to "hunting" and looking at other women. he has admitted that his brain is on a constant search for things to stimulate him and fantatsize..which brings me to how do i know when he is fantasizing or not on the rare occasion that we do have sex? i am just so lost and it feels like i am the only one seeking a solution..i am tired of being sad and i am tired or wondering and worrying about what he is doing when he is at work! any one that has any ideas for what he can do when he is at work to fill the time that doesn't involve him having to leave his desk or not get on the internet, bc those are not options with his job. I've tried getting him into reading, but he hates it..he doesn't like writing either..he has no clue what to do either and i feel like its a dead end and eventually he will fail and relapse again! i need a way of knowing the truth and he needs a way to cope , and something to do to replace the bad habit! thanks to anyone and everyone that can help us. and all reply are welcome :)
Casse`luna
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Whoami on Thu Oct 01, 2015 7:50 pm

Welcome to the partner's board Luna, and I hope it's ok to call you Luna...just say if it's not ok. Like Vesper I am sorry you find yourself here, but it's a good place to be when you are in this predicament. I urge you to keep posting too.

Maybe you have said, but is your H your age too or close to it? I only ask as I've just turned 62, we got married when I was 24, after 1 and a half years H shut down on me sexually and emotionally and basically intimacy wise. And there are just such similarities in your story and mine ;)

I think a significant other has to take care of herself first. I know you want to help him, but we have to protect ourselves and be in good health and shape. I know it hurts and is very nauseating, so you need to take care of your physical self..we really can get really sick over this. It's good to finally realize "It's not me, it's HIM," but that is only the beginning step.

I was a real dish too at 24, but not as smart as you apparently. I just kept thinking "it must be my fault." All those crazy making lies, the gaslighting which in essence means he tried to make me feel crazy in order to not be discovered. He made me look crazy in front of counselors even. I was so in denial I lived with this crap for YEARS without figuring out why, until I was 50. Whoa, talk about angry!

At the disclosure times, I think H was finally ready to admit and tackle the problem. But that's 25 yrs, ya know? I think young women should know that they can start over if dear husband can't or won't get well. You are still young. You don't HAVE to give up on him, but you should think about the fact that you shouldn't have to live in pain and lack for years. It's ok to realize that.

Not sure where you live but could you google info about the nearest SA or SAA meetings near your? Since he doesn't want to read or write, face to face with a group of ppl with the same problem could help. Only thing is, he has to want to try. Does he?
You may have to set some boundaries around his actions, some consequences for wrong actions...ya know, some ultimatums even.
Sorry if I'm sounding too hard core.
Again I'm sorry you have to be here too. Feel free to visit the other boards like journals and general discussion, just try to not post on addicts board.
Good luck and God bless
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Casse`luna on Sat Oct 03, 2015 3:21 am

Thank you whoami for your reply and advice, You are right! some of the things you have said i have been thinking too.
I don't mind you calling me Luna at all. Yes my husband and i are a year apart he is 25 now and will turn 26 this month,and i will be 25 next month. and yes we really do have a very similar stories,It truly breaks my heart that you had to go through that pain for so long! its like no other, i don't know why but i always say to myself how could he? how could any of them for that matter, choose to do this to a person they claim to love? i think thats why i just felt an undeniable fact in our case was that i kinda stumbled into the discovery on the culprit of all of our problems (P!). I think i googled something along the lines of..husband is emotionally distant, something like that next thing i know i'm reading "10 Signs That Your husband may be a porn addict!".It was so obvious when i started to read, it was like every single thing was exactly what i had been feeling and experiencing. It answered ALOT of questions! I don know if the amount of research i have done on this addiction is normal ,but sometimes i just cant stop..its like i feel like i might find the answers i am looking for somewhere..something that can make this addiction easier to deal with..that would make him WAKE UP, and see that the only thing it brings is damage to nearly every facet of his life! When you say "disclosure times" what do you mean by that exactly if i may ask? So far my h. swears that he has told me everything, i feel like there has to be more to it though, researching so much and reading so many stories really has me just feeling so much chaos
in my mind that i have been slacking on taking care of my self 100% sometimes..i will just lay awake at night and cant shut my brain off..i have noticed dark circles under my eyes and just don't feel like myself anymore sometimes.I feel like there are things that he hasn't admitted sometimes.I have always been very good at reading people, especially when they lie or leave out parts of the truth. i don't know its like an intuition and it just won't go away! So my h tries to make it seem like i am crazy and paranoid too. I know exactly what you mean anger as well i cant put in words the rage that i feel at times! I think that is one of the hardest things for me, he knows what all i have been through in life. He has known me since i was 15. but then he already had his problem then.I moved back to my hometown, (a place i swore id never return to) to be with him. I just never saw this coming i guess.. i cant believe that this could happen to us. I am not sure if my h truly wants to try, i feel like i am too scared to face the facts if i add them all up when it comes to his "recovery" so far, but he swears that so far (6 months), he has only had 2 relapses once the time i was planning our wedding and he watched a youtube video, and then again 2 weeks ago. i was devastated the first time, he told me that he didn't "finish" or get too far into it before he got paged on the intercom..@ work. well when he relapsed again recently, he confessed to lying about "not finishing" and being paged..the first relapse. he said he was scared i would leave him. I told him that i would rather him tell me and admit to his failure to overcome this, than for him to lie and keep me in the dark,
the whole time i never believed him.i asked him all the time if he was sure he didn't just want to get it out, and tell the truth.."the truth will set u free" and all that sorta talk. well he always swore and promised he looked into my eyes several times and swore it to me, stuff like that. i was very devastated
by his first relpase. i didn't know the full extent of this addiction and how some men just hold onto it..or never truly change..he made me feel somehow, that he could beat this addiction no problem and that he was really wanting to. esp. when he started seeing signs of ED, and he realized some of the things it can cause , due to a lot of me showing him research i had done! I guess i thought that he would definitely stop if he knew all these awful things PA , would eventually, and some even already do to your body and mind and marriage. and once that first relapse happened it kILLED me! to see that he could do this to me again after seeing all that hurt and pain i went thru, and still am, yet still make that choice. After that happened he got the new job with the privacy and giant amount of time to kill, and i got more and more worried and sad.
because of the huge lies that were told during that first go round', i didn't trust him at all, i felt like he was browsing the internet all day and then lying telling me that he had been working the whole time..( i have been to his job countless times, and txted and talked ,and facetimed, but it is VERY slow and he has more free time in front of the computer than actual work time) so i just couldn't get past, and still really cant that he hasn't had more issues , slips, triggers or anything. i hate having no accountability while he is at work The second relapse was to spite me. he says..he was angry with me for "not believing him when he is telling the truth" and that i make him so mad bc i won't just trust him, that he is changed and he won't do anything etc.He still never talked to me or tried to learn anything about the PA, he just kinda agreed to everything.And denys having any p. related thoughts or issues,just really nothing..it was like the problem disappeared, yet no changes in the intimacy and emotional closeness, which is why i just cant let it go..i feel that ever since he got this new job that nothing is changing he doesn't seem to ever want to touch me or talk about anything, he doesn't start conversations, he doesn't try to "rewire" the way he thinks about intimacy, he doesn't try to come up with a coping strategy to replace PA with, The main thing we both agree on is that he cant figure out what to do about boredom..evryone surfs fb all day! and so many more sites, that are just too "triggering" for him. and it is what he has done his entire teen and adult life..screens! video games, tv, apps and high speed internet CRACK! i feel that i am the only one searching for a solution relentlessly..coming up with a recovery plan, learning coping strategies, stress relievers , tips etc. i have sat down with him so many times for countless hours trying to read to him all of the things i had researched and that i thought would help..i even have a notebook full of things to help him..like a hand book..i kinda made him. Many of theses nights he lays on the couch and just sorta listens to me..i feel like he should be more into it with me he should want to figure this out right? he should be the one that is really pushing and striving to heal and recover. A lot of nights he also gets mad bc he says he is so tired. an just wants to go to bed..i get so angry at times when he does this!,but mostly i get so very sad. i feel like he should want to comfort me more and help me feel more secure about his recovery and our marriage.I don't understand why he is always complaining about being so tired, he doesn't have a stressful or hard job, even he admits its very easy. so why then every single night almost does he say he cant talk about things bc he "can barley hold my eyes open" It is VERY hard not to get angry with him sometimes.how can he sleep when i am over here in so much pain? doesn't he have any empathy? doesn't he care about my well being? He swears that he is doing all of the things that i have suggested and we have talked about and that he isn't getting on the internet bc he knows that it could trigger him, and that nothing at work bothers him ( even though that is when pretty much all of his P USE took place), that he doesn't fantasize,and that he writes in his journal and reads..I have never thought about making boundaries and consequences..but i don't really know where to start with that. i have looked up an online SA site and showed it to him, but its like if I'm not constantly reminding him and pushing him..it starts to feel hopeless again for me. sorry for such a long response, i really have been having a tough time with all this lately..i hope to make some
serious progress soon..if not then i will have to face the reality of whatever becomes of us.
again ty everyone for the replies, this posting really has helped:)
Casse`luna
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Vesper on Sat Oct 03, 2015 4:30 am

Hi Casse'luna,

Thank you for explaining about your name - I was moved by that. Who's advice is very good and I second everything she has written.

In your penultimate post you wrote...

I cant make him change he has to want it


This is so true. I feel for your pain and your turmoil. I can see you have been trying to alleviate the situation by offering him tips for dealing with stress and boredom. I have to say this though....you didn't break him and you can't fix him. The roots of his problem predate your relationship. You said it was like high speed crack. That is a very good way of putting it. He needs specialist help and only if he wants it.

The pain is enormous as it cuts through to the heart of intimacy in your relationship. It also sounds like your h is getting deeper into his addiction. ED, risk taking by using porn at work...not good.

Please be very gentle with yourself. Try to do something nice for you each day that takes you away from thinking about it. It is hard to hear but you need to look after yourself so you can recover from the shock and pain too.

Vesper
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby Whoami on Sun Oct 04, 2015 8:11 pm

Hi Luna, I hope today has gone better for you in many ways XOXO

When I mentioned times of disclosure I meant when we discovered things about their addiction. Usually the first one is the biggie, but we can feel better and stop throwing up, only to discover new things about their problem. I had 3 times of disclosure, a counselor once told me that I shouldn't expect another shoe to drop, just give up on knowing more, because S and P addiction is a very deep dark pit. There are things to accept without knowing everything. I hope that makes sense?

I just wanted to say Hi tonight, and that I'm thinking of you lots. It's very difficult, but this won't destroy you. Keep reading, posting and know you are not alone here. XOXO
Whoami
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby honeysuckle on Mon Oct 05, 2015 5:24 am

My advice would be walk away and that is something I don't say easily as others on the board will know.

You are very young and he won't or can't change.

How long do you want to go on finding things on his Iphone, PC ect?
Each time you do find something, it is another chunk out of your self esteem.

If it is affecting your self esteem now, imagine what it would do 10 years, 20 years 30 years down the line?

Please think carefully about this and consider your response. Find a GOOD sound friend to talk to if you can.

Think of how you would respond if this was your sister (if you have one) telling you the same thing about her husband. What advice would you give to her?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is the reality. I feel very sorry for the RA, because there is so much pitted against them, society accepts p as the norm now, but the impact is horrific on the lives on those involved. I read that the more they use the more the level of what is viewed has to change (worsen) to give the same hit, they become desensitised to so much.

You can't force him to recover, like an alcoholic they must stop for themselves otherwise they will start again. You can't sit in on meetings with him, or make him to a journal etc.

The only person you can change is yourself and your reaction to the situation.

Please look after yourself first of all.
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Re: When does it stop hurting so bad?

Postby cantheystop on Mon Oct 05, 2015 10:58 am

Blaming you for a "relapse" or "slip" is hogwash.

I think you've had some good advice here. I get how much you want to help him. If he doesn't like that you don't trust him then that's really also on him. He broke your trust. It doesn't just come back because he claims to be P free. Clearly he's not. I mean you've found him at it again.

He has to want to fix it. He has to put in the effort. You can't fix it for him. I do understand the desire to want to fix it for him.

Take some time for you to get a break from it if you can. Take some time to think about what would make you stay and what would be the deal breakers for you. This isn't you. You are not the reason for it. I know how hard that is to wrap your head around. Those feelings are natural for you to have I believe. Just don't lose you in this.
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