A new self help book for partners

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

A new self help book for partners

Postby Vesper on Tue Oct 20, 2015 8:07 am

Throughout the book, Paula recognizes and elucidates how the emotional reactivity expressed by cheated-on partners at the height of their relationship-grief, is not necessarily indicative of "codependency" or any other particular emotional disorder; but is in fact a natural and perfectly healthy response to the pain and distress of being habitually lied to, manipulated and ultimately betrayed.
Paula Hall - Sex Addiction: The Partner’s Perspective

Robert Weiss - reviewer. I haven't read this book but I like the sound of it. I like that it isn't assuming that because a woman is co-dependent when she finds her partner is a sex addict.

It is also a practical guide with self help strategies.
Last edited by Lily on Tue Oct 20, 2015 12:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A new self help book for partners

Postby Vesper on Tue Dec 15, 2015 6:08 am

I have started reading the book. It takes a broad view of the root of the addiction and nowadays opportunity can be a cause in itself. The book uses simple language and shows a great understanding as to why SOs feel the way they do and how it's one of the most awful of life experiences. I should crack on with reading it, but Christmas a life is getting in the way. I wish it had been around on my d-day in 2008. It mentions how places like Relate (the UK's main relationship service) have moved on in how they treat SOs after discovering about their partner's use of porn or sex as a means of self medicating. My counsellor (the one I had later) said I needed counselling to recover form that treatment as the guy had made it sound like it was almost my fault my ex did what he did.
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Re: A new self help book for partners

Postby Vesper on Wed Jan 06, 2016 8:24 am

Reading along with this book. I think it's helpful in identifying the plethora of emotions following disclosure and most of the advice about dealing with it (thus far!) has been good. One small gripe, one one hand it acknowledges the fear, grief etc but I think some people might be too fragile to be able to simply turn their thoughts around to the good points about the partner (like being a good father, working in the community etc), as for me that kind of thing would have made it worse. Like our MC said to spend six weeks treating each other at least as well as a co-worker. In my circumstances, he has long since stopped treating me even that well. I don't want to over personalise this but he wasn't exactly a great dad nor a pillar of the community either. More anon....
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Re: A new self help book for partners

Postby invisibleone on Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:07 pm

I think it is worse when the PA spouse "appears" to be this wonderful, caring, loving person to most everyone except his spouse. But honestly, should we fail to convict people of crimes, just because friends and/or family might tell what a "wonderful" person they are? Ask the victims -- they don't care about those opinions. And while I refuse to portray or consider myself as a victim, I (and all other PA partners) are UNWILLING participants in a huge cover up, for the most part. It would help me immensely to have certain other persons know about his PA -- but I fear it could destroy some members of my family. So I continue to cover up .... but as I near retirement, I'm just sure how long I continue doing that. I have worked since I was 16 years old, so by the time I retire it will be almost 50 years of working -- and from my vantage point, the only way I will get much enjoyment out of retirement is spending time with OTHERS -- not him. Again, Just sad.
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