Struggling in this relationship

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

Struggling in this relationship

Postby JJ52 on Mon Nov 16, 2015 2:05 pm

Hi all,

I need some advice. I'm new to this forum and currently in a relationship with a recovering sex addict. He stopped all his addictive behavior before he met me and had been sober for over a month. Once he met me he said he didn't want our relationship to be based on sex. So long story short he tells me that he is severely depressed because of stopping all the addictive behavior.I asked almost everyday to go to places with me or parties or go out to dinner. He always said No because he won't enjoy anything because he is so depressed. So I stopped asking. Three months later he works 11 hour days and does not make time to see me. I live an hour away from him so if I go see him in the past he would invite me to stay over. He now says to me "all you want is to sleep over and have sex. You never want to go anywhere like the movies, going out to eat, ECT. what kind of relationship is that?" He's calling me selfish and impatient. Saying I'm not being supportive in his recovery. What did I do wrong? is this me or part of the recovery process? ANY advice I would really appreciate!
JJ52
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Re: Struggling in this relationship

Postby Vesper on Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:12 pm

I am sorry you find your way here JJ52. It sounds to me like your guy is still very much in addiction mode. The flop flopping, blame shifting etc is very typical. You are aware of your own reality and you know you wanted to join in with the usual dating activities whilst he played the hermit. Being sober for just one month is very little time at all. I can see from your perspective that it seems like a grand gesture, but given the nature of sex addiction a month is a short time. Especially as it can take years to recover. Sobriety is only the beginning.

If I were you I would seriously consider if this relationship means that much to you that you are willing to live like this for many years.

If you take your question to the General Forum you will receive responses from recovering addicts.

I am sorry to sound so gloomy!

Vesper
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Re: Struggling in this relationship

Postby JJ52 on Mon Nov 16, 2015 7:15 pm

My mistake, i meant he has been sober for over month. Seven months to be exact. I appreciate your advice. I need to do some soul searching.
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Re: Struggling in this relationship

Postby Whoami on Mon Nov 16, 2015 11:24 pm

Welcome to you here always, tho as we say to each other, sorry you have to be here :(

I'm glad for Vesper's guidance to the general board and also glad for Cammy's reply to you.
All this stuff is so hurtful and confusing. And I so admire you for taking a chance with an RA. They, like all of us deserve a chance.
Thing is tho, you sound like such a sweet, normal and sociable woman, whereas he is seeming like a bit of a psychopath? I'm sorry, that is probably too harsh.

Like Cammy said, I'm sure he's very depressed. I'm sad for him. But first and foremost take care of you, ok?

I wish I had advice. But I had just turned 50 when I found out my one and only husband of 27 years had been a cheating S maniac the entire marriage, and of course before and I was clueless :roll:

I hope you get more responses here and on the General board. I'll be reading along and wishing you best...Who
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