Still living with the addict

For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

Still living with the addict

Postby kazzie on Thu Dec 10, 2015 6:44 am

Hi All
It has been a very very long time since I wrote on the forum of my struggles living with an addict, one who will not admit he has a problem, and will not do any recovery work either, why should he, he doesn't have a problem does he, I totally understand jmarii, and where she is coming from. I don't confront him anymore as there isn't any point to it, his addiction oozes out of every pore on his body, he tells on himself with his actions, but the strange thing is that he has believed up until this morning, that I believed he had stopped, because he "promised" he would many years ago, laughable isn't it.
For me I have got much better at dealing with it, so I stopped checking up, well anyway there wasn't any point as with the new technology and to coin a phrase that ISIS used for mobile telephone's with internet access "pocket porn" he has it on tap, and then clears the pages, he can mirror image from his phone onto the TV, even better viewing on the large screen.
He lost his job and I have seen an escalation, he is at home full time, so free to have a porn fest whenever he chooses to, but I know, he has been on Viagra for a couple of years now and blames that on age, nothing at all to do with the fact that he broke his wee wee all by himself, so he has still tried to have a sex life with me, it has been very poor, I have never experienced a good time with him and I have never had another partner, I was 18 when I married him and he has been the only one.
A few weeks ago he tried on Viagra to have sex with me, and couldn't do it, blaming being tired, yes of course that is a good reason!!!! so back to this morning, he took a pill, ( he never tells me, he just pops one behind my back, whether or not I want to) then tried, and failed, again, this time he blamed it on wanting to have a pee, his list of excuses went on and on, until I said you know what the real reason is, it is your porn addiction and mb that is the problem, he started to try and say what are you talking about, but I wasn't having any of it, I said I know that you are watching porn and mb behind my back and that you have never stopped, how do you expect to be able to perform when you have trained your wee wee to only react to your hand, he was like a fish out of water gasping for air, going well how can I? when do I do it? just being stupid, I said please do not insult my intelligence, he then looked me in the eye and said that he has not watched porn, that is how well they lie to hide their problem, I still said to him, you can say what you like but you know that I know and your body tells me what I know, you have never been honest with me, always lying and sweeping it under the carpet, he then said, I do love you.
I know that it is no use being nasty and using nasty comments, so I have to control myself and conduct myself calmly, very difficult, so when I was leaving for work he came to the door as always to give me a kiss on the cheek and say bye, he said, "do you still love me even though I have got a problem?" but he said it smiling, and not as if he was actually admitting to the problem, so I said I cannot discuss it standing on the doorstep, he replied, "I am not discussing it at all" so there it is, 37 years of living with this man, and only discovering his "secret" 10 years ago, and he is happy, he has got everything he wants, well except a job.
It helps to be able to come here and write and pour it out to real people who understand, I too miss Benderson and my very good friend ISIS.
kazzie
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Re: Still living with the addict

Postby jmarii on Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:21 pm

gosh, …we are probably dealing with the same circumstance. found viagra prescription about 7 years ago and there were 4 pills left. he told me he never took any and the pharmacy only gave him 4. so, so many lies. i actually hate him. i'm in year 34 of marriage with this addiction. i never left and i feel like such a fool. went to office today and did my usual forensics that he is too stupid to know i know how to do and discovered his co ed cherry site….barely legal teen girls. that is lovely. i beg the young women here to run as fast as they can from one of these addicts unless the PA does the recovery work.

i really got just like you and stopped looking. stopped relations years ago as well because he just creeped me out. this 58 year old man has beat me down with this addiction and the lies. we have this picture perfect looking family and life and yet i feel like i'm in hell. things will change in 2016.
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Re: Still living with the addict

Postby invisibleone on Mon Mar 21, 2016 3:26 pm

Wow ... jmari and kazzie .... I could have written your stories. My PA spouse probably has convinced himself I don't know he is still P'ng. What a joke. Like Jmari, I know exactly when he is by his bank records. Yes, he actually takes money out and is doing something with it .... not sure what type of extraordinary services he is receiving ... but he pays for literally everything with his debit card -- but takes cash out 5-7 times per month in $100 increments most of the time, although sometimes it is $200. It has been well over 10 years since the big confrontation about this. At first he denied. Then went to therapist and group sessions for awhile. Once I stopped going to therapist with him, he only went a few more times, then quit. He had already quite attending group sessions. We really haven't had any discussion about it in a couple of years -- except a few months ago he told me he feels that he is just a "roommate" in the house. I confirmed that is correct -- unless and until he is willing to rid himself of his PA for good. It was difficult at first, but it did not take me long to realize my self respect is worth so much more than giving in to the PA and having any type of real relationship with him. I'm hoping to retire at the end of this year and told him several years ago that I don't intend to live my retirement like this. The turmoil inside me is already starting. And he makes it more difficult because in public, he is always telling people how lucky he is to have me, how great I am, etc. etc. etc. Makes me sick to my stomach every time .... and when I don't act all grateful, people look at me as if I am the one with the problem. If they only knew ....................
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Re: Still living with the addict

Postby Vesper on Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:47 am

Hi Invisibleone.
.... and when I don't act all grateful, people look at me as if I am the one with the problem. If they only knew ....................

This is what's so sickening about this addiction. The isolation and secrecy for SOs. I didn't even know it was an addiction on d-day - I had nowhere to go with it!
Take good care of you!
V
Smiles are infectious so go and spread them...
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Re: Still living with the addict

Postby invisibleone on Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:00 pm

Thanks Vesper. At 66 years old, you would think he could FINALLY give it up .... but as he says - "I like sex." There you have it. Just sad.
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Re: Still living with the addict

Postby jmarii on Sun Apr 24, 2016 11:21 am

invisibleone and kazzie. gosh. just reading this again. am tempted to do a "forensics" search again. i just numb out for months (sometimes years) at a time and then i get the urge to check up. the confrontation is always the same although it has gotten less violent as the years have gone by. we're old. i'm now at the point where i'm mourning the years i've wasted staying with this person. and, maybe the forensics search is just another attempt to make a break, even though i'm old.
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Re: Still living with the addict

Postby tootrue on Wed May 11, 2016 9:34 pm

Even though it is heartbreaking to read your posts, your honesty is compelling. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Even though I did leave, I never really recovered my sense of trust in other people. This addiction really robs people of so much. Leaving can provide a lot of relief. But that is not an option for everyone.
Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.~Frances de Sales
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