Vanquishing!

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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Vesper on Mon May 15, 2017 8:18 am

Hello Honeysuckle,

Thank you for being here twice :)

On top of telling you so cruelly that he didn't love you. (I had more tact at 16 and was less hurtful), he then goes on to call you a liar.

I have a hatred for that 'label' from when I was falsely accused of lying as a child and knew I was telling the truth and the adult was lying.


I used to hate being called a liar but I feel differently now. I think after everything I went through with ex h I don't take it to heart like I used to. I can see it's their stuff. It hurt terribly when SG said he didn't love me though!

I know none of us knows what the other is thinking or going through, but this man has been very hurtful to you and accuses you of lying over something so pathetic I would be running miles in the opposite direction.


He seems grumpy when he wakes at 5.30 as that other ridiculous text about him feeling miffed as I hadn't sent a good night text (that weekend after the identity theft thing) was sent around the same time. There are so many levels at which we respond to people and I think having known him as a friend for so long, that I still respond like that. He doesn't know me or else he confuses his emotions and can't see me. I am not a liar nor a woman who wished to be foremost before his daughters. It exposes his black and white thinking though in that he can't see that a woman is normally loved in a different way from how one loves children.

He has nothing to offer you. He seems incapable of giving you a romantic relationship. He is hurtful and cruel. I wouldn't even want his text messages or to be friends with him.


I am only putting in the bad bits. Most of it is friendly banter.

I've said this before - if this was R what would you be advising her to do?


I can see how it looks written out here. Especially when I read back over the last year! When R was having a rough time with Sheepus, I said he would keep treating her like that and some day she would get tired of it and would leave him. That was what happened.

Remember PS? By the time I finally left him I was ready to run that mile. It was easy to walk away and to learn from it. With P I was resolute. When he wanted to try again I asked what would be different and he had nothing to offer, so I knew it was over for me. SG has put something more in each time. He has thought about the situation and offered insight. I have no expectation that will happen again but that last time I saw him he told me things about difficulties with his wife. I think interacting with me gives him food for thought and I, in turn, am processing and thinking about me and what I want. I will come out stronger. One of my friends said that maybe it was my strength that is scaring him off!

I appreciate you telling me you would run a mile and I think about that when I read the book, which is helping me to process what's going on and to detach. Thank you for your sisterly approach though - I need that! I am sure you and my gut will be singing from the same hymn sheet soon ;)

Love,

V
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Vesper on Mon May 15, 2017 8:25 am

I chatted with Aa today and apparently when my bil broke up with his partner for 10 weeks a few years ago, he said then he no longer loved her. Aa spoke with his partner at the weekend. Aa has become more insightful as she thought the partner didn't do enough for them when they were growing up but she now things his partner simply doesn't have the nouse to know how to deal.

I spoke with my bil about 8 days ago. I think his partner doesn't seem to see how broken he was and lacks the emotional IQ even to understand. Although, she had two days to think about the break up before seeing C, she went to see C anyway. She thought she could talk my bil round. This tells me she knew there was an element of risk and she took it. He was a very broken man. He stayed with her for 4 weeks until he found his new place. She would go to bed early and he would be up half the night worrying about what to do. He said they were in a rut where he went over to her place, walked the dog, had coffee and came home 3-4 nights per week. He had to get back across the city for my nephew. I guess the situation changed in that he no longer two minutes away but ten minutes drive.

There is a situation with his 4th daughter and she called him up and said she really needed her daddy. The conversation between them deteriorated when the C situation came up. He said he won't cut #4 off but she would have to contact him. I know the circumstances of the situation. I explained to my bil that if he could contact #4 and be there for her through this situation (with the boundary that the C situation is excluded), then it could make a huge difference to her future and to how she heals. I spoke with Aa about this as I feel if he helps with #4 then C and J will see him in a different light. Aa said this was what was missing in his life all these years. A sensible woman to advise him.

There are things I don't think of any more. My bil loved my sister so much he would miss the last bus home and walk five miles at one in the morning. He was a student so he could sleep in but five miles :shock: I told Aa about this today.

Despite all the heartache, this stuff about C has brought me closer to the rest of the family. Aa has grown and is stronger. My bil has been supportive over the break up with SG. Nodding to Honeysuckle, I am finding it helpful to think about all the people who do love me.
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Vesper on Mon May 15, 2017 9:09 am

I don't know what's up with me today but I keep meaning to put things in and forget until after I have shut the PC down. After effects of the cough on my brain?

Harking back tot hat unconscious pull I felt for ex h, PS and P and how that aligns with unfinished parental business, namely with my mother. I didn't have that with Sg and I am hoping that's a sign that I have healed that side of my life. The reason we are attracted to people across the room like that is because they feel familiar, as in like one's family. I didn't have that with SG.

I have read some more of the book and was reminded about his behaviour and his responses, and the shifting. Idealised and devalued, but the difference between SG and the others is that he considers some of his role in it all. However, even when he was buttering me up, I kept a sense of detachment, thanked him for compliments and measured them against what I considered to be true of me. That way, when he withdrew I took it less personally. I liked him as a person more.

I have seen things about ex h and me in a better light from looking at this book again.
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby honeysuckle on Tue May 16, 2017 4:30 am

I'm sorry I sounded so abrupt yesterday. I was angry at the way SG is behaving. I see you as a woman of integrity.

He has nothing to offer you. He seems incapable of giving you a romantic relationship. He is hurtful and cruel. I wouldn't even want his text messages or to be friends with him.

I am only putting in the bad bits. Most of it is friendly banter.

I cringed when I read my quoted bits - sorry. But I don't think I would be big-hearted enough to let it go.

I think interacting with me gives him food for thought and I, in turn, am processing and thinking about me and what I want. I will come out stronger. One of my friends said that maybe it was my strength that is scaring him off!

I can see how you are processing things. It's important that you do keep in mind what matters most to you.

I appreciate you telling me you would run a mile and I think about that when I read the book, which is helping me to process what's going on and to detach. Thank you for your sisterly approach though - I need that! I am sure you and my gut will be singing from the same hymn sheet soon ;)

This made me smile. I do feel big sisterly towards you. Take what is useful and bin the rest.

Love,
D
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Vesper on Tue May 16, 2017 6:27 am

Good morning Honeysuckle,

It's good to see you again :)

I'm sorry I sounded so abrupt yesterday. I was angry at the way SG is behaving. I see you as a woman of integrity.


Thank you for the kind words about me. You don't need to apologise. I really need to hear what people think. I remember how I felt when Lala was with Todd. To be fair to SG, when we were together he would text me when he was out on his bike. He would say where they were, whether he had an associate or not, where they were heading next and when he would get back. He still does some Saturdays. Since the second break up he has kept in touch via text or PM on Fb. I agree with Johannes' comments about the compartmentalisation but he still texted even when he was with his daughter.

I cringed when I read my quoted bits - sorry. But I don't think I would be big-hearted enough to let it go.


No need to cringe...please don't feel bad on my account. I know that anything you say comes from a place of love and caring. It's hard to explain as there are so many angles ...

Things SG has said when we break up:

I am a one man woman.

I want you to find someone better than me.

We aren't getting back together again.

You're a nice enough woman but I don't love you.


So, strung together like that it looks pretty grim. On the other hand his actions have been different. He once said he would have to break up with me via text message as he thinks he wants to break up and then when he sees me he realises he doesn't. It's like he goes off and holes himself up in his archaic little village and thinks all these bad thoughts about me only to realise that when he actually sees me and talks to me, that I am not that person he thinks I am. he is a victim of his own thinking ...I had suggested he have CBT when we were together for the either/or thinking. The important thing is I haven't rescued...

I can see how you are processing things. It's important that you do keep in mind what matters most to you.


Thank you for this encouragement. Aa and I talked about it yesterday and this business about it being a ploy for me to find out he had deleted my text messages. He told me he had deleted text messages after the second time I broke up with him. I had forgotten but if it had occurred to me that he had deleted my messages and I really wanted to know (like why would I?) then I would have asked.

This made me smile. I do feel big sisterly towards you. Take what is useful and bin the rest.


:D Aw, thank you. I will do. I know that anything you say comes from you having a good heart!

Love,

V
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby bluemoon on Wed May 17, 2017 9:49 am

Hi Vesper,

Thank you for your replies in my journal.

Your daughter R, sounds like a wonderful young lady. I’m sorry SG’s daughters are making such poor decisions,
but it seems to have afforded R an opportunity to rise above and an opportunity for you to be grateful for the
young lady she is becoming! You must be so proud of her! Give her a hug from an old lady in Texas, and tell her how proud we are!!

I’m praying for your ds2 and that he’ll find something constructive to do with his time. I know this hard on you,
I’m praying for wisdom and strength to guide you.

My dad gave me a little wedding bible with a written note inside. The jest of the note was that there will always be
trouble and strife but to look to God for comfort and strength. Good advice.
Take care, k
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Vesper on Fri May 19, 2017 9:02 am

Hi Bluemoon.

You are welcome to my replies in your journal. I hope they are of help. I know I appreciate coming here and knowing that good friends are reading along.

I have many ups and downs with R in the years after my ex h left. She was the only one he bothered with so she took it harder. Also, he jerked the kids around a lot by not letting them know in advance when he would be coming to get them etc. Anyway, she didn't make the same mistake twice and has grown up. Yes, it's a shame about SG's girls. His younger daughter drove 80 miles last week to meet a stranger. We have been messaging this morning and I said I hope she won't learn the hard way. He said he is worried that she won't learn even if things do turn out badly for her. I will give her a hug from you :) I guess the fact we can talk openly is something that has come out of the mess with SG's daughters.

I’m praying for your ds2 and that he’ll find something constructive to do with his time. I know this hard on you,


Thank you :) He does these programming projects and I keep hoping he will make a break through.

I’m praying for wisdom and strength to guide you.


Thank you for this too.

Yes, your dad's advice is good. I have missed church two weeks in a row due to being sick with this cough. It may be three weeks in a row at this rate.

Thanks for being here with your kind words.

Hugs,

V
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Vesper on Fri May 19, 2017 9:12 am

I chatted with my bil last night about his break up. I can see how they drifted and now after nearly 20 years he doesn't actually miss her that much as the relationship had gone down to a routine where he drove over 3-4 times a week, he walked the dog, he would go back and she was ready for bed, then coffee and he would leave. I don't get why she didn't visit him when he was sick for that ten day spell or why she didn't go over to his place and cook a meal when he was training. Even SG came here and cooked for me when I was sick and brought me some groceries. Especially at a time when he really needed support. My niece Aa has said for years that she was there for the good times but that was it. She still wants to get back with him and wants him to take her on a three day break for her upcoming birthday.

We talked about SG and me and bil reckons SG is still interested. SG has kept in touch...it's odd though. I noticed this before that he doesn't go to the gym very much when we have broken up. My bil said maybe this was because he went in order to catch up with me.

I am still coughing. It isn't as bad as before but it's still tiring. However, things could be worse.

Peace to all who pass through...
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Whoami on Fri May 19, 2017 11:46 pm

V, am worried about your cough. H has had a lingering one and I've made him an apt for a chest x ray and a breathing test. Pls don't let yours linger for too long. I know things could be worse, but there is nothing more precious than our health.

I'm glad you had a good talk with your bil. I can see why this relationship holds little interest for him at this point. Sometimes, all good things just come to an end. :(

I can see SG is still interested in you, maybe all of your friends here can. I'm not sure his interest works best for you, tho. You know??
Just be careful. You know we care xoxo
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Re: Vanquishing!

Postby Vesper on Sun May 21, 2017 5:06 am

Hello Who,

Thank you for dropping by.

V, am worried about your cough.


I spoke with PaulS about it and apparently it lasts for a month.

I know things could be worse, but there is nothing more precious than our health.


I agree. R is a week ahead of me with this virus and she seems to be coughing less. Some days are better than others.

I'm glad you had a good talk with your bil. I can see why this relationship holds little interest for him at this point. Sometimes, all good things just come to an end. :(


Thank you for understanding. I had a talk with Aa on Friday about it all. More anon.

I can see SG is still interested in you, maybe all of your friends here can. I'm not sure his interest works best for you, tho. You know??


It has been a weird week with him. He still keeps in touch daily. He had said he was going to the gym twice but didn't turn in.

Just be careful. You know we care xoxo


Thank you, and I will. Thank you for caring too!

Love,

V
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