CV's Journal

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Re: CV's Journal

Postby constant_vigilance on Sun Feb 11, 2018 7:14 pm

Late check in this weekend.

==

Three things I'm grateful for today:
1. A comfortable home with my wife.
2. Having way more than I need in my life.
3. My wife cooking a nice breakfast for me.

Emotions: Feeling a bit more grounded after writing here. It's funny how easily the emotions of the day can 'clog up' my thinking even within a day or two. I find myself needing a reminder to be grounded in what we have and remember how lucky we are. It's easy for me to forget unfortunately, so coming here helps me remember that.

A little stressed and annoyed about having to travel again this week. I wish I didn't have to necessarily travel so frequently for work because it throws off my schedule but remembering that holding resentment around it isn't helpful—it's better to just accept that, maybe even find gratitude in it as a challenge and way of strengthening my ability to deal with that kind of schedule, and practice self care for myself.

Beast/boundaries: Didn't check in here yesterday and struggled this morning with a few minutes with fantasy.

Plan: I think I need to tighten up my recovery even more. Or rather, I need to figure out what blockers I still have to fully closing the door on sexual obsession and this addiction for good because even almost 15 months in I'm still struggling.

I think perhaps some of it is tied to guilt and shame and even some resentment—the way I acted and hurt my family growing up definitely still makes me feel ashamed at times though I have tried to work through it and am making progress on it through reading books and my own self-reflection, and at the same time I also carry some anger and resentment towards my parents and family for creating a situation that I feel left me trapped and led me to this addiction.

I wonder if part of that blaming of my parents is actually a crutch for me—or at least my AV—to avoid taking responsibility fully because it is "not fully my fault." And so I continue to hold on a little bit of those behaviors of sexual obsession, selfishness, and unfaithfulness because I still am not fully willing to take responsibility for my present. It gets replicated in other ways—blaming my work for feeling overworked stressed, or friends and family for keeping me busy, or my own recovery for taking up time—basically using them as fuel for resentment and avoiding taking responsibility.

So the next time I catch myself NOT willing to shut the door immediately on a behavior of sexual obsession or addiction, a helpful question to ask myself might be—who or what am I *actually* feeling resentful about and how can work through that rather trying to avoid taking responsibility.

Becoming a better man: Practice meeting my responsibilities happily towards others, especially my loved ones :)

==

CV
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Re: CV's Journal

Postby constant_vigilance on Mon Feb 12, 2018 6:55 am

Quick check in this morning.

==

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. My wife's love, thoughtfulness and caring.
2. A comfortable bed to wake up in.
3. Some measure of comfort around being in meetings now.

Emotions: Traveling today for a long meeting -- leaving early and getting back late. Feel some element of nervousness but also some sense of balance because it's not the first time I'm doing something like this anymore. Been reading a book about verbal and nonverbal communication and two things it emphasize is posture (sitting up straight / standing up straight) and remembering to smile so those are two things I'm going to try to work on today. I can sometimes feel these trips and meetings are a burden so going to try to appreciate them for what they are instead and be grateful, as hard as it can feel, to be meeting new folks and learning about them.

Beast/boundaries: Was up a little late (past 11) working on my laptop yesterday.

Plan: Keep an eye on my mental boundaries during travel today, especially the vening. Also keep an eye on alcohol since there will be a work related happy hour after the meeting.

Becoming a better man: Practice gratitude throughout the day today.

==

CV
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Re: CV's Journal

Postby constant_vigilance on Tue Feb 13, 2018 12:18 pm

Three things I'm grateful for this morning:
1. Making it back home safe and sound.
2. Being back with my wife and family at home.
3. People on my teams really stepping up.

Emotions: Recognizing that I'm still making mistakes and learning. My new role at work is a good bit harder than I expected though certainly not insurmountable. It's definitely a new learning curve for me, so I'm trying to really recognize my mistakes and not retreat into resentment though it can be hard to do. I think I felt that this new role would / should be easier for me than it is and am being a bit harsh on myself about it now. It's about remembering that my self-worth as a person isn't about my work and remembering that we can all have that sense of worth inherently in ourselves.

Beast/boundaries: The beast is getting louder again and I struggled with fantasy again yesterday. I'm not sure why but I wonder if it is subconsciously because I'm' approaching a milestone (15 months) which is the longest I've ever been sober. I don't really spend a lot of time keeping track of my day count or really obsess over it now—I'm leaving this addiction behind for good, period. But I do wonder if that is playing a bit of a role in my head.

Plan: Be honest with my wife and my therapist. It's okay—human—to struggle. But it's not okay to lie, hide, or pretend that it's not happening, or worse, go back to acting out with fantasy thinking it's not a big deal. It IS a big deal and something I have to make my top priority to deal with right away.

Becoming a better man: Practice integrity and love today.

==

CV
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Re: CV's Journal

Postby constant_vigilance on Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:08 am

Quick check in.

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. A really nice date night with my wife.
2. A team that's pulling for each other.
3. A nice view to wake up to.

Emotions: Grateful though I am overworked. I am thankful to have love and friendship in my life and most of all my wife's love. We haven't had that much time to do a date night, so it was nice that we took some time to go out to dinner yesterday and spend time together.

Beast/boundaries: A little rushed this morning and a few moments of negative talk yesterday, but otherwise pretty good! Slept well last night and this morning woke up on time to get ahead on some work.

Plan: Could be another long day (week?), and tomorrow definitely will be so keep making sure I'm taking time to pause, take care of myself, eat, sleep, etc. I can become "go, go, go" pretty fast in the environment I work in so having some balance is important too.

Becoming a better man: Integrity is a good one to practice again—not only in terms of being honest with my wife and others, but also being honest about what I can take on with myself and others so I'm not overcommitting or trying to be a superhero instead of a regular person.

==

CV
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Re: CV's Journal

Postby drbob1a on Wed Feb 14, 2018 5:27 pm

Sorry, I've been gone. I"m glad you're still hanging in there!
8 years, I'm so grateful!

Bob
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Re: CV's Journal

Postby constant_vigilance on Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:48 am

Thank you! Hope you had a good trip!

==

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. My wife -- she's an awesome, interesting, and amazing person.
2. My family and good friends -- I can just be myself around them and relax, which is a gift.
3. Sobriety, and moments of peace in my life -- they are more common in my life than they were not too long ago and they are a true gift when they come up.

Emotions: Feeling overwhelmed with the amount of commitments I have and work is bonkers right now. It's all good stuff—most of it is work I care about or time packed with friends and family—but I guess I feel a bit exhausted. I know part of it is an artifact of living in the city—folks are coming through often so there's almost always someone to see or catch up with, and I'm sure I'll appreciate the opposite if/when it's gone, but for now I do feel a bit overwhelmed!

Beast/boundaries: Felt a bit triggered after watching some TV last night and struggled with a few minutes of fantasy. Some hard-heartedness towards my wife and ignoring Beast talk at night which is probably why the fantasy was appealing. Missed checking in here as well.

Plan: I keep telling myself that if I 'just get through X time' I'll pause and recalibrate on my recovery and other pieces but that's not happening. I need to find the right balance but I think part of that probably involves letting some stuff at work go. There's just no way I'm going to do it all, and I'm going to have to set some boundaries around it for my own health.

As a reminder, my priorities start from the inside and move out > it starts with sobriety and recovery and living my values > then come my loved ones (my wife, family, and friends) > then comes work life. Right now I've got it backwards so I need to figure out how I can recalibrate what's going on — not just in terms of time but mentally for myself.

Also, apologize to my wife—I was a bit snippy with her yesterday. I owe her an apology.

Becoming a better man: Practice love and gratitude today — pushing myself to extend myself to others and practice thankfulness for the things I do have.

==

CV
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Re: CV's Journal

Postby drbob1a on Fri Feb 16, 2018 11:28 am

Finding that inside/outside balance is hard, and always a work in progress since circumstances change. I hope you can find some time this weekend to trouble-shoot!
8 years, I'm so grateful!

Bob
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Re: CV's Journal

Postby constant_vigilance on Sat Feb 17, 2018 5:51 pm

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. Lazy Saturday afternoons with my wife.
2. A nice clean home.
3. A peaceful weekend after a hectic week.

Emotions: Feeling grateful to have some time to rest -- thought today would be a bit more hectic than it was so have some time to chill and relax now before meeting up with friends for a drink this evening.

Beast/boundaries: Some compulsive surfing this morning. Was on a site looking at olympic videos when I saw a link labeled "18+" which I wasn't expecting, and had a momentary urge to click on it (didn't do that of course).

Plan: Just a reminder that it's easy to throw everything away with one click or one poor decision. It's why decision-making and overall balance matters to recovery -- so that in those moments we remember that the beast is there but we're not going back.

Taking a nap now and getting rest.

Becoming a better man: Practice love and kindness and gratitude for getting to be part of other people's lives.

==

CV
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